My fish are dead*

This is a really honest post about the effects of mental illness, particularly depression. I could have been reading about myself as a teen! PTSD sucks. Anxiety and depression drain your life away, little by little (sometimes lots by lots). I now take anti-depressants and I’m feeling so much better. I don’t care any more if people know it – anyone who thinks I’m weak-minded should really take a long hard look at themselves in the mirror. Mental ill health is nothing to be ashamed of, whether induced by childhood traumas, as mine is, or whether occurring due to chemical imbalances in the brain. My mother and my grandmother have both suffered depression. They also both had difficult lives, so it’s not easy to tell whether we’re ‘wired’ this way, or whether this is a reaction to circumstances. Either way, I’m not ashamed any more.


And, I have realised, God calls me blessed:

‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:3-4 (NRSVA)

Escaping Elegance

Art by Allie Brosh Art by Allie Brosh

WARNING: If you are my mother, you may want to skip this post.

March is next week and I’ve just uncovered a pile of unopened Christmas cards in the kitchen drawer. I had a rough winter and things that I couldn’t face were pushed aside. If I open those cards, I’ll have to acknowledge the relationships they hold. Concede that there are people who care, have to care for them in return.

Life isn’t as easy to shove away as those colourful envelopes.

There have been too many lies in my life. I lie to cover-up my feelings and I lie to make people go away. Eventually the lies become too many; too many to keep track of and too many to care about. The lies are my shield, but they make me tired.

When I get too tired, I just want it all to…

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4 thoughts on “My fish are dead*

  1. Catching up here this week, Sandy. You are such a wonderful writer – smooth, fluent, great vocabulary and varied sentence structure, and you are a good editor, too. Ever thought about writing a book or for magazines? I have thought about it but it usually entails having a social media following these days, and I hate social media. If that aspect doesn’t bother you though, you might think about submitting articles for magazines or online sites to build a resume. Maybe you have no interest…I don’t know but it’s the thought that came to me as I read several posts.

    Totally agree that mental issues are nothing to be ashamed of and thank the Lord for medication–people suffered horribly before the advent of these medicines. Bless you this week!

    • Thank you for the compliment. I don’t do social media either, except blogging. I enjoy blogging and sometimes write stories and poems, but I’m studying part-time so that’s enough for me, for now. Waiting to see where God leads. I’m quite certain that if and when He wants me to write, I’ll be in the place (physical/emotional) to do it 🙂

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