The most common substitute for the legitimate suffering of the self is the illegitimate suffering of others.
…human beings who try to avoid changing themselves… always set out on a destructive course to change the world, others, or even God.
~ Wondrous Encounters: Scripture for Lent by Richard Rohr
Some of us respond to pain by taking every bad thing on board, believing ourselves worthless. Some of us respond to pain by exacting it on others. Some of us do both at the same time. Some switch from one to the other. They’re both human responses to pain – possibly even to the human condition. Jesus did not. He turned the world on its head when He willingly, consciously, conscientiously took the pain of all the world and bore it into the grave. In doing so He made it possible for us to say I don’t have to be like that any more. This is Grace, freely given.
We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19 (The Life with God Bible NRSV)