Boundaries

emergency

Another trip to Accident & Emergency last night. I’m sure all parents can relate. We used to go several times a year because at least one child would have injured themselves falling off a skateboard, jumping off a swing, or hurtling down the stairs. I wonder if children in families with restricted television go to A&E more often, statistically speaking, than whose for whom telly/social media is unrestricted?

It wouldn’t be so bad but the nearest A&E is a 30-40 minute drive and it wears me out, so no church this morning (also 30 minutes away). Fluff’s friends, Pippa and Caitlyn (aka The Twins), came with us because they were already with us for a sleepover, so it made for a rather raucous rabble entering the hospital (in a way that only 13-year-old girls can be). I was glad, in some ways, because they kept Fluff entertained and even carried her from the car to the hospital entrance.

Fluff and Chip did their first ever show jumping yesterday afternoon and Fluff’s horse stood on her foot. When the foot turned blue and swollen later I didn’t want to risk not going to hospital. But I really miss it when we don’t go to church. We didn’t go last week either because Fluff was at Pippa and Caitlyn’s for a sleepover and I had to pick her up.

If you have children, do you sometimes get the impression that your role is chiefly that of general dogsbody and/or chauffeur? My life seems to exist as a sideshow to that of my kids, especially because I end up wearing myself out doing it all, so have no ‘spoons’ (see Spoon Theory) left over.

So what are you going to do about it? That’s what I’d like to know… ~ Paul Simon

Christ calls us to be servants, and this is why I do serve, but I have begun to wonder if I am actually indulging my children in my ‘serving’. So I have ordered a copy of Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No by John Townsend, who also co-wrote the life-changing Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life. The latter should be required reading for anyone who has experienced abuse or co-dependency, or who grew up in a dysfunctional home. Many who have not experienced these sorts of problems don’t realise quite how much ‘self’ is lost, or how incredibly damaging that is. I didn’t even know that I could make boundaries between myself and other people before I read this book. I had the vaguest idea because I’d heard other people talking about it, but because childhood abuse (particularly sexual abuse but not exclusively) robs the victim of personal boundaries, people could impinge on me with impunity and I didn’t even know they were doing it. No wonder I ended up in an abusive first marriage. I just thank God that He eventually put a stop to it all.

‘Boundaries…’ is full of sound, practical advice and the authors are devout Christians so each part is linked to the bible and the wisdom within. An excellent and life changing book, I also have high hopes for the ‘Boundaries with Teens’ version.

Reblog: Myths about Domestic Violence

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I remember looking at a poster about domestic abuse and thinking “he only does x,y and z, but he doesn’t do all of those things, so it can’t be abuse”. I think the worst thing, though, when you’re trying to come to terms with what you have been through, is when people somehow blame you, the victim. Even if not overtly, they make assumptions. I felt so ashamed. I felt guilty for what had happened.
Also there is a lack of understanding of the nature of coercion and manipulation which is a huge part of domestic abuse and has just as bad an impact as actual physical violence. Also, and this is really important: IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PHYSICAL TO BE ABUSIVE. Sexual abuse, coercion, emotional abuse, etc., are just as destructive and just as wrong and NO ONE, male or female, should feel obliged to put up with it out of a misplaced sense of ‘Christian’ obligation.

Addendum, 2nd June 2015: I have been contacted by a representative of the University of New England who produced the infographic in The Beautiful Kingdom Warrior’s post, reblogged below, so here is the link for the infographic and my apologies if it was in any way unclear where the infographic actually originated.

Click here for the link.

The Beautiful Kingdom Warriors

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