I hate getting so stupidly tired when in reality I’ve hardly done anything. It is exceedingly frustrating. I am trying to get my house organised and decluttered because I think that that will help make everything run smoother even when I’m not well. And when I am, with a bit o’ luck, better (I keep hoping and praying) then I’ll have more time for other things because my household will run smoothly and efficiently, so it’s win-win all round, except that it is a very s l o w process.
In the meantime, I do
often sometimes end up asking God why I can contribute what seems like so little, even to my own family, let alone the wider community. I don’t feel useful and I do feel bored. A lot. And lonely, I suppose, though I keep myself occupied. I don’t see anyone, day to day, except my family. I don’t really have any friends in our little town. I am very glad Frank works from home, but it would be nice to interact with people on a more regular basis. This morning, I found something of an answer (sitting right there in Corinthians, where I’ve read it hundreds of times):
…God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you’, nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ On the contrary, the members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable…
1 Cor. 12:18-22 (NRSVA)
Weak but indispensable. Innit! I don’t get it, though, I’d rather be in full health and contributing and being part of the church community, especially after all the years of suffering (I hardly consider this illness ‘suffering’, just knuckle-chewingly dull), but who am I to know the mind or direction of God? I pray it and I have to mean it: Thy will be done, not my will be done. I wonder how many of us pray ‘Thy’ when we really mean ‘my’?
The human mind may devise many plans,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will be established.
Mary said, “Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.”
We could all of us learn from that attitude.